When you ask for a kids menu, the server (her official title, but you refuse to call her anything other than waitress)gives you a strange look, but you ignore her. She's here to make you happy, not the other way around.
You watch her as she walks away; her butt is acceptable, but unremarkable. She glanced back as she rounds the corner and sees you staring at her posterior. You do not avert your gaze- your shame was shot off in the war, and by war you mean your last League of Legends tournament.
While the server is gone, you decide to settle the score with the kid sitting on the other side of the booth. He's kicked the baseboard on his side (absolutely ruining your meal) twice in the five minutes since you were sat. There's no way that's an accident. The kid is obviously fucking with you.
You stand and walk to the other side of the booth seat. You stare the boy down. He is visibly confused.
"Can I help you?" a feminine voice asks from the other side of the table- the boy's mother. She is -to put it quite lightly- upset.
"No, I don't believe we need a woman to settle this gentleman's matter, m'lady," you reply smugly. Turning your attention back to the small boy. You quickly raise your fists to his face and he recoils in fear. "Don't make me come back here again," you warn the child.
The boy's mother gasps. You tip your hat to her as you walk away; it's only polite, after all.
As you once again take your seat, the server returns with your kid's menu. The gods smile upon you- many a chili dog and tater tot will be eaten this day. Better yet, the menu is a coloring book, too. Outback gets you.
You reach for the crayons and are horrified, not to mention terribly disappointed, to find only a yellow and the half-scraped remnants of a black in the shot glass. You almost break your neck whipping your head towards the server. Wordlessly, you gesture toward the meager Crayola selection with an expression that says, simultaneously, what the fuck and are you going to take care of this or am I going to have to speak to your manager.
The server rolls her eyes, but quickly leaves to see to your needs.
You can't wait to tell Reddit about this.