133 - Sit Means Sit


Your moment has come. Timmy throws a frozen rope toward the plate. You swing with all your might and bat connects to ball with a solid, satisfying crack. The ball sails up and over, landing on the other side of the fence on the opposite end of the empty lot you and the other boys affectionately call the Empty Lot.

“Oh, jeez,” Billy whines, “the ball went into Old Man Parsons’ yard. Now we’ll never get it back!”

“Good job, idiot,” Timmy says to you with clumsy sarcasm.

Being that you’re the newest kid in the neighborhood, you’re not even sure who Old Man Parsons is. You ask the obvious question.

Why?” asks Timmy, incredulous at your ignorance of the local legend. “I’ll tell you why! Old Man Parsons has the meanest junk yard dog around in his back yard! You won’t last five seconds back there before McRuf rapes you.”

You apologize for losing the ball, and express your sympathy to the other boys’ fears of being bit.

Bit? Who said anything about biting?” Timmy scoffs. “I said he would rape you.”

Again, you ask the obvious question.

“Yes, literally,” Timmy confirms.

“The dog’s name is McRuf, dude,” Billy chimes in. “It’s short for McRufie.”

“Nah, nah,” Darren interjects. “It’s McRough, because he’s so rough with your cornhole and all.”

You’re not sure whether to believe the boys. You think they may be taking you for a ride. Surely they can't be this stupid or callous.

“Well, whatever it is,” Timmy comes back, “that dog’s the rapingest canine around. I hear animal control gets called over there every day, but the dog catcher won’t go in because the last dog catcher tried that tried to get McRuf got raped to death.”

Okay, yeah. They're that stupid. 

“I heard Old Man Parson’s house was a frat house, and he murdered all the frat boys but kept their dogs, and now the frat boys’ spirits possessed the dog and they express their will the only way they remember- through forcible sex without consent.”

...and they're that callous. That tears it. You drop the bat and begin to walk home.

“I heard he has two penises!” you hear Darren shout as you round the corner.

You really must make better friends.