LIVINGSTON MAN TO EAT CASE OF ZEBRA CAKES, EXPECTS NO ILL CONSEQUENCES
A Livingston, Louisiana man planning to eat an entire case of Little Debbie brand Zebra Cake snack cakes later this Tuesday afternoon told reporters he expects no negative consequences of any kind.
Charles Fincher of Livingston informed press just hours ago that he expects to be “right fine” after he consumes sixty individual cakes, which is approximately sixty times the serving size recommended by the manufacturer.
“The zebra stripe ones don’t weigh halfa nothin’,” Fincher said. “You’d have to be some kinda pussy or somethin’ to not be able to eat a case of those little fuckers. Ain’t gonna gimme no trouble.
Fincher who, when asked about his occupation, described himself as “one o’ them entrepreneuin’ [sic] types.” He added that he sometimes shoots his “lil’ .22 at cars what pass by on the highway,” but that he “ain’t found out how to turn a profit on that just yet.”
In response to queries pertaining his motivation for the planned gastric feat, Fincher replied that his neighbor, one Leroy Perkins, had bet him five dollars he could not consume a case of Zebra Cakes. Fincher continued, explaining that he “weren’t gonna miss takin’ none of that sumbitch’s guvment money.”
When asked whether he believed consuming five dozen servings of what was essentially sugar and flour would cause or aggravate health problems in any way, Fincher simply conveyed advice his mother once gave him: “Son, the diabeetus is genetic and weren’t a thing you can do to stop it. The lord giveth your feet and the lord taketh them away. Now finish your twinkies or you won’t be gettin’ no dessert, boy.”
At press time, Fincher had been seen in a local convenience store purchasing two twenty-four can packs of Mountain Dew, saying “these stripey-cakes ain’t gonna wash themselves down.”