138 - Divine


You've been gifted a remarkably beautiful Sunday by Baby Jesus or Gozer or Baphomet or whatever. It doesn't matter who gave you the day, damn it, you're going to enjoy the hell out of it even your ex did take your cat when she left.

You pull the grill out of the garage by yourself because you're all alone now so everything's a one man job. You light the coals and leave the grill to burn down as you move to fill up the kiddie pool you bought to soak in because, hell, if everyone already thinks you're pathetic maybe there's not much point in trying to prove them wrong anymore. Besides, it's pretty hot out here and you could use a bit of cold water in your butt crack.

You grab the hose and open the valve, then begin to make your way across the yard to where you've placed the kiddie pool. The hose hasn't been neatly coiled since you bought it; it lays in clumps and knots next to the spout. Instead of taking a couple of moments to untangle this particular mess you've made over weeks and months you just pull hard on the hose as you walk, trying to brute force it into doing what you want. For a moment you feel this might be a parallel to your failed relationship but then you remember your ex saying you didn't try at all so that can't be right.

You are not paying a lot of attention to where the hose trails behind you because you are trying to remember the last time your ex told you she loved you while looking you straight in the eye when for some reason which you pray to Baphomet is unrelated a Black Eyed Peas song pops into your head.

While you are distracted by the fuzzy memory of a catchy beat and forgettable lyrics the hose catches on the legs of the grill. Instead of checking behind you for the source of the increased resistance you give another hard tug on the hose. The grill falls and spills flaming coals onto the driveway and the edge of your lawn, which is extremely dry because your ex wasn't around to remind to to put out the sprinkler, which you guess is a cop-out.

You don't notice the flames for a few seconds- "inattentive" was among the numerous character flaws she listed as she gave you her goodbye speech. The smell of burning grass, quite distinct from charcoal, alerts you to the problem, and you promptly freak out and make things worse as you are wont to do.

You fling the hose around violently, desperate to undo the knots so you can douse the spreading fire. You manage only to fling a huge knot of hose into the flames. The hose takes only a moment to catch fire: you bought the least expensive hose you could find because you are "cheap" not "money-conscious" and "that is distinction" she feels "needs to be made."

The hose is quick to catch but also quick to be burned straight through. Water begins to spray out of jagged holes in the hose, slowly drowning the flame and killing the coals. Sometimes things just work themselves out, you guess.

You drop the hose and walk to the empty kiddie pool. You drag the pool to your new custom multi-mouth hose and drop the tangled mess into the empty vessel.

You crack open a beer and lay down on top of the hose. Your butt crack is cooled by the soothing jets of the burned hose.

There's not a thing in this world that will stop you from enjoying this beautiful day that Shiva the Transformer has brought you.