146 - Neigh


Neil, the cashier at the local board and card games shop, thanks you for your business and asks if you need a bag. You reply in the negative, stating you intend to open your purchase as soon as you exit the door. Neil doesn’t care, but smiles as if he does. He watches you walk out, somewhat apprehensive. He knows how you get.

You are the proud new owner of another Centaurs & Stable Boys: Collectible Equine Dating Simulation Card Game booster back. You have a good feeling about this pack in particular, thinking that this pack of the many you have purchased may hold the one rare draw you need to complete your Legendary Horned Romance build: Diamond-eye Glitter-abs Unicorn Fabian. He’s the raddest.

You rub your fingers back and forth over the smooth mylar wrapping as you walk out. The bell over the door rings softly as you open the door and cross the threshold, but it may as well be a starting gun to you. You tear into the packaging certain that Fabian’s perfect hair and bad-boy-with-a-soft-spot gaze await you inside.

Back inside the shop, Neil watches in disassociated annoyance as you throw the mylar on the sidewalk. He sighs and takes another drink from his heavily spiked coffee.

You shuffle through all ten cards. It has to be here somewhere. Squat Master Legasus, Indian Sentinel Ramicorn, Shy Knight Lance, Fugitive From Horse Justice Apples the Rogue, come on come on!

Nine cards down and nothing. You close your eyes and hold your breath before shuffling to the last one.

“God of the Old Hooves, grant me a boon on this day,” you say out loud. Inside the store, Neil shakes his head.

You open your eyes and flip the last card. You can’t believe your eyes.

It’s another stupid, god damed, piece-of-shit Naked Wizard Manlet Daniel. Daniel stares at you behind his thick-rimmed glasses with his dumb shit-eating grin. You hate Daniel; you hate everything about him. You hate that ugly lightning bolt scar on his head, you hate his dumb bowl-cut hair, but most of all you hate that he’s not Diamond-eye Glitter-abs Unicorn Fabian.

“FUCK!” you shout, throwing Daniel’s card to the ground and jumping up and down on it. “FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

Neil watches your tirade from inside the store as he’s done a dozen times. He discretely walks to the door and locks it, then hides behind the counter. Neil knows how you get when you buy booster packs. He takes another sip of his lightly coffeed whiskey and begins to thumb through the phone book for the number to the window repair service.