773 Remoulade Avenue
Iota, Louisiana 70543
May 26, 2016
King of Caulk/Sultan of Sealant/closest analogue
GE Corporate Headquarters
3135 Easton Turnpike
Fairfield, CT 06828
Dear Sir, Madam, or Evil Corporate Executive Robot,
I recently purchased your Silicone II caulk for a home project which is, put quite plainly, none of your god damned business. No amount of cajoling shall persuade me to expound upon it further. I shall cut to the chase, as the Greeks in Constantinople are known to say.
Anyway, after the second day the bathtub was filled with Mountain Dew (Code Red, of course), the caulk began to dissolve. The beverage leaked all over the oiled tarp and, naturally, onto the horse, and I was given no choice but to pay both prostitutes in full before their services were completely rendered, as well as a bribe to an over-zealous rookie police officer.
I expect you will not require further details to ascertain that I expect full restitution in two forms, one of which shall be a clear warning label to prevent this situation from happening to anyone else in the future. The other you will find enclosed with this letter; I have taken the liberty of duplicating one of your payroll checks in what I believe to be a fair amount of damages, both actual and pain/suffering, that you need but sign and return to me in the pre-addressed envelope, also enclosed within.
I expect that, should I receive my reparations in a timely manner, I shall not have to contact my attorney or his prostitute.