154 - Post-Artpocalyptic


You are in kindergarten and it is crafts day. Crafts day rules.

Your teacher, Ms. Gunter brings the crafts box out from under her desk. She holds the box above her head. A hush falls over the class. Ms. Gunter cranes her head back and forth, surveying the twenty-seven five-year-olds sitting cross-legged before her, all leaning slightly forward and licking their chops in anticipation of creating the next great American refrigerator masterpiece.

Ms. Gunter is dressed in her traditional crafts day attire; cardboard tube spike armor rests atop her shoulders, and a papier-mȃché replica of Lord Humongous’ hockey mask from The Road Warrior adorns her face. She takeS a deep breath. “Today is crafts day! Let the crafting circle be formed!” she half-shouts in the loudest possible inside voice.

You and the other children rise and break ranks then link up, hand in hand, forming a circle with Ms. Gunter and the crafting box in the center. You step back until all of you have your arms stretched as far as possible without letting go, then allow your arms to fall to the sides.

“What is Crafts Day Law?” Ms. Gunter asks the entire class.

You all speak in unison. “Be creative! Be supportive! Share! This is The Law!”

“What is the penalty if one breaks Crafts Day Law?”

Time-out Dome! Bad kid enter, good kid leave!”

Ms. Gunter nods and lowers the crafts box to the ground. She pops the snap-on lid and throws it like a Frisbee over your head to the back of the classroom. Picking the box back up, she tilts it so that the contents of the box begin to pour out onto the floor, then spins around, forming a circle of supplies around her.

You gaze in stupefied awe at the bounty of creative tools that litter the floor at Ms. Gunter’s feet. Crayons, colored pencils, construction paper, scissors, popsicle sticks, glitter, yarn, glue sticks. Aw man, you’re gonna glue the crap out of some stuff with those glue sticks. You’ll probably eat some, too. Delicious.

Ms. Gunter raises her hands toward the ceiling. As she takes in another deep breath, she points her face skyward. With the fury of a woman betrayed by the gods, she shouts toward the fluorescent light-covered ceiling. “CRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAFT!” she proclaims.

You and your classmates take off at a dead sprint for the crafting materials. You lock eyes with Susie, opposite from you in the circle. You’re gonna share the mess outta some crayons with that girl. Yeah.

Crafts day rules.