UNINFORMED, OPINIONATED ANALYSIS OF AN ISSUE
ACCOMPANIED BY A RIDICULOUS CALL TO ACTION
By Some Fucking Asshole
Clothed only in the comfiest item from my considerable bathrobe collection, I sit in my easy chair with a hot cup of coffee and the freshly delivered Sunday paper. I turn to the Opinion section, excited to see how the editorial staff of the paper as well as various members of the readership cut through the bullshit and get down to the cold, hard emotional reactions. I throw away all other sections of the paper immediately, because if we’re being honest, who needs that fucking bullshit?
I think it’s always nice to see people completely ignore facts, numbers, and other forms of empirical evidence and say what’s on their mind. You know, the stuff the mainstream media is too scared to tell you, because they’re busy telling you things that happened instead of how they feel about those things and what we should do about them.
I don’t need to know who, what, when, where, or how, the media. What you need to know is whether or not you agree with your editors that it’s not a big fucking deal, or maybe instead that somebody ought to do something about that shit real fucking quick.
I want a play-by-play of the whole thought process, from the moment the columnist saw a thing that pissed him off or gave him a raging political boner, all the way through to him actually feeling pissed off or feeling his raging political boner, to him telling me about it, and all the steps in between. Which are none. Those are all the steps, and I don’t need any goddam filler like a rundown of actual events or statistics on similar ones. That shit is for nerds.
Anyway, media, stop telling me what’s going on, and get straight to what matters: how I should feel about what’s going on, or we’re going to have to take this to congress and submit a bill that will never pass in a million god damned years to make us feel like we actually accomplished something and we’ll have somebody to blame for it.