Instructions for Office Fax Machine
(4th Revision 1/16/2016)
1) Make sure fax machine is turned on and plugged into the wall before calling tech support division to report a problem.
2) Place document to be faxed face-down on the tray. The “face” of the document is the part with letters or pictures on it. “Down” means toward the ground. I swear, people.
3) Enter the number you wish to fax your document to. Do not enter your phone number. Do not enter our fax number. Barbara, the number you enter must be to a fax machine. You cannot send texts on this machine.
4) Will the machine to work with your mind. You will likely fail, as you are all weak. My dark masters have revealed this to me.
5) Having miserably failed to unleash your latent psychic powers, press the send button. This is the blue button with the word “Send” written above it in plain black text, in English, the language of the forsaken masses. No other button will send the fax.
6) Watch in dismay as the puny two-inch liquid crystal display produces a litany of technical errors, none of which make any sense to your feeble mortal mind.
7) Pray to your false gods. (They cannot save you).
8) Inevitably contact the tech support division. I will begrudgingly help you, but make no mistake: when my masters escape their frozen prison in Sulga’th’pl, you will be one of the first to be consumed into their waiting flesh.
9) Log any malfunctions in the logbook to the right of the machine. Please do not remove this book from the table.