185 - Alpha


For several weeks you have acted childishly and shunned the company of your neighbors, the members of the Alpha Phi Rho fraternity. Realizing you shouldn't let petty differences dictate your relationships, however, you join Brad, Steve, and Ben on the couch they placed near the curb in front of their house.

You do not come empty-handed. You bring a substantial peace offering: a case of ice cold Natural Light. Your seventeen dollar and ninety-nine cent investment buys you a warm reception from the bros.

All four of you down beer after beer, emptying the case over the course of a mere hour. Steve suggests a traditional fraternity rite be performed with the last four beers: each of you will destroy your emptied can in the most forceful way possible in a show of strength and prowess.

Ben goes first, crushing the empty can in a single hand. Though you and he have reconciled since your emotional shaming at your last encounter, you cannot help but feel a smug satisfaction at his feeble display.

Brad opts for the slightly more impressive crush-on-the forehead technique. A red ring adorns his brow. Nice.

Steve tries one you've never seen before. He takes each end of his can in a hand and twists over and over until the can is shorn apart. Impressive.

You decide you cannot let the opportunity to simultaneously impress and exert dominance over the bros pass. Your drunken mind comes up with what it believes to be an optimal display of machismo and gall; you place the can in your mouth and bite hard, piercing the can. You then wrench the can from your closed mouth and a bite-sized piece of aluminum remains in your mouth.

You spit out your metal snack onto the roadway in front of you along with a large amount of blood and spittle. Thinned by your drinking, blood runs freely from your gums, pouring over your lips and down your mouth. 

Sensing your victory, you let out a guttural howl.

The bros appear fearful, but the fear quickly gives way to awe, then to excitement and the bros join your scream and cheer your unparalleled feat.

You have done it. You have become "one of the bros."

The case of tetanus you contract is only mild.