773 Remoulade Avenue
Iota, Louisiana 70543
September 3, 2016
Zatarain's Corporate Headquarters
82 1st St.
New Orleans, LA 70053
Dear Executive Horseradish Golem,
This letter serves as notice of my intent to purchase controlling shares of Zatarain Foods. Rest easy knowing I do not intend to make great changes in your (soon to be my) company, I simply wish to ride the rocket ship that is your condiments division all the way to the mayonnaise-colored stars.
Recently I had the privilege of utilizing your Prepared Horseradish for its implicit purpose (wink wink) in a public park at one in the morning. My partner and I were thoroughly pleased, as was the small group of hungry forest animals that gathered round to see if we would die from our vigorous activity.
In fact, the three police officers that showed up after an early morning jogger spotted us passed out under a foot bridge remarked upon our inventive use of horseradish and its obvious suitability to the task we had given t, resulting in minimum chafing and only the desired amount of tissue tearing.
Please prepare a chair at the board table for me, and be sure the finish can be hosed down.