254 - Cinemerica


 "Shh!" hisses the man behind you as you tell your friend how much weight Bradley Cooper put on to play Chris Kyle in American Sniper.

You're not having this bullshit; you are a true patriot and you don't believe in God Damned Censorship. You stand and turn in a single, smooth motion. Your furious expression is obscured by the backlighting of the movie screen behind you, but your heavy breathing forces your shoulders up and down. Your exasperated silhouette transmits all the emotion you require.

"What the fuck did you just say about America?"  you shout accusingly.

Various gasps and chokes are heard around the theater. Instantly, the audience is on your side, as is God. The man shrinks in his seat.

"Hey, everybody! This guy says he hates America!" you proclaim.

Terror creeps into his eyes. In his desperation, he leaps to his feet and declares to the crowd, "I never said that! I love America! I ate McDonald's today!"

The crowd quiets slightly. No worry, you've got a retort locked and loaded. "Oh, the multinational conglomerate McDonald's, with  restaurants in over one hundred countries? Including Russia? How exactly do you say "Big Mac" in communist?"

The man is quiet.

"I'll tell you where I ate at today, Ivan! In my kitchen at home. After my husband made ham and cheese omelettes for my nuclear family!" You rip off your blouse to reveal a low-cut tank top with an American flag pattern.  Even in the low light of the theatre, the Stars and Stripes are plain for all to see. "USA!" you chant. "USA!"

The crowd joins in your rhythmic call. U's, S's and A's leap from the mouths of every warm-blooded woman and man in the theatre and bounce from the carpeted walls into the ears of the shameful silent.

An old man who moved to Canada for five years in 1966 cries a single tear for liberty. A small child asks his mother who Abraham Lincoln is. A bald eagle flies into the theater and dive-bombs the screen in an attempt to kill the image of actor Sammy Sheik, which its simple yet patriotic bird brain mistakes for a real Taliban warrior and a true threat to Freedom. A soft *plop* is heard as the winged symbol of the American experiment smashes its fragile skull against the projector screen and expires.

The audience is hushed completely. None can process the horrific omen which has befallen Cinema 8 in Old Glorysburg, Kansas, but all report to the local news station upon exiting the story.

The governor declares a national day of mourning for "Ol' Pecky", the affectionate nickname for the fallen raptor. Having stepped outside of his authority, the governor is tried for treason and hanged.

American Sniper makes hundreds of millions of dollars, and you don't see a single nickel. Capitalism rules.