267 - Smuggle Struggle

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Being a drug runner certainly hasn't been easy. You've spent years in toil and deception. There are more dead bodies in your past than you can reconcile with your once-valued preconception of honor.

Now, though, it will all be worth it. Today you finalize the deal that will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. You'll finally be able to retire from this dirty work and start to make work towards something resembling redemption.

You enter the staging room. At the table is Javier, your mule. In the corner, under a light flickering in the throes of death, is Reynaldo. Formerly your muscle, you gave Reynaldo a chance at acquisitions after your old gopher was killed by the cartel.

Javier stares at a dozen baseball-sized tied-off balloons filled with cocaine on the table in front of him. He looks you in the eye as you enter. You can practically see his thoughts on his face: desperation mixed with utter confusion.

"Reynaldo, is this supposed to be funny?" you ask your henchman.

"What do you mean, boss?" asks Reynaldo with genuine curiosity

"Reynaldo, Javier here is supposed to swallow these," you explain, gesturing at the overstuffed balloons on the table. "Do you see how that might be a problem?"

Reynaldo stares long and hard at his work. As he strains to process the information he's been given, you picture a morbidly obese hamster on a wheel inside Reynaldo's head. The hamster pants and heaves as it strains as hard as it can, reaching with all its fatty might   to take just one step forward on the wheel.

"Oh!" shouts Reynaldo. "The balloons are too big to fit in his mouth!"

The imaginary hamster manages to take a step. The wheel moves ever so slightly and the hamster collapses in exhaustion, contented in its execution of such a Herculean feat. Confetti falls from the top of the hamster's cage and an attractive and shapely female hamster with a sash that reads "Ms. Terrarium" brings the hamster a trophy engraved with the words YOU DID IT!

"That's right, Reynaldo," you said, condescension laid thick upon your voice. "Get it fixed, okay?"

Reynaldo gathers the balloons and exits the room.

"That's not even the worst," says Javier. "Before those, he'd just filled up two of those long balloons clowns make the animals out of."

Reynaldo won't last long after you're gone.