The doctor coughed and gagged; the thick cloud of Glade air freshener was practically choking him. “Put that down, will you?” he begged. “How am I supposed to figure out your problem if I can’t even breathe?”
Telly, frustrated and already embarrassed at what was to come, let the near-empty can fall to the floor.
“Very good,” the doctor nodded. “Now, can we go inside? It’s ridiculous, us meeting in a driveway.”
Telly sighed. “Doctor, we can’t go inside. The smell…it’s too much.”
Rolling his eyes, the doctor responded, “If you insist. What seems to be your problem, Telly?”
“Doctor, for the past several months, I’ve been emitting a horrible odor and I don’t know what’s causing it. My family has moved out, my neighbors won’t talk to me, I’ve been banned from work. The neighborhood children have taken to calling me..,” Telly paused, apparently choked up, “Smelly Telly.”
The doctor stifled a snicker and forced his breaking smile into a straight face. “That explains the air freshener. Tell me: why not just use those all the time?”
“It only lasts a minute or so. You’ll see shortly. Before you ask me anything else, nothing has worked. Showers, colognes, deodorants, potpourri, baby powder- it’s all crap.”
“I see. Well, have you-“ the doctor stopped abruptly, his face contorting into a horrible, odious sneer. “What the fuck is that smell?”
“That’s me, doc. I told you it didn’t take long.”
“What the hell, Telly? Did you wet fart a cup of ammonia?”
“Oh, that’s great, doc. Nice bedside manner.”
“Oh, so sorry, I only feel like I just had my face coated in Tobasco and shoved in a cat box.”
“Very professional, doc. Real good.”
The doctor walked away, then began running toward his car.
Tell shouted after the fleeing physician. “What do I do, doc?”
“Pull that dead squirrel out from under your armpits!” The doctor screamed. He slammed the door of his car and sped off without another word.
Telly wanted a second opinion. He stood in the driveway, watching the dust from the doctor’s speeding sports car settle, and cried smelly tears.