282 - Checkup


The doctor asks how its going; I tell him.

I tell him every time I’m alone in a room it’s all I can do to keep from hitting myself in the head over and over again. I tell him when I’m with a group of friends I sometimes shout out curse words or scream softly then when they ask what I said I either laugh it off like nothing happened or make up a lie on the spot.

“This beer is just awful.”

“I sneezed.”

“I said ‘fuck’ six times because I think I might have left the oven on.”

“I think I had a muscle spasm.”

He asks what I’m doing to deal with the stress and I ask if he’s even listening.

I tell him I don’t want to take the pills anymore because all they do is make me feel dead inside.

He tells me I need them because when I don’t take them I want to kill myself.

I tell him that’s true so why is he giving me what I want?