318 - Merits of Aid


After the (predictably) disastrous events of the BLACK MAMBA PREMIUM incident, your faith in your local pharmacist/petrol salesman has been shaken. You make the trek to the gas station to file a formal complaint.

You walk in the front door and the bell tied above the door with a faded red ribbon gives a faint, dying jingle. German, the clerk, looks up from his newspaper and shoots you a wide, warm, smile.

German asks you how things are going in the bedroom these days and you tell him quite bluntly that you are not in the mood for his shit. You explain the utter failure of BLACK MAMBA PREMIUM to achieve desired results and the undesired effects it did manage to cause.

German sighs and shakes his head. He explains to you calmly, if condescendingly, that “psuedopharmaceuticals” are not an exact science but an art. He explains that even Viagra was an accident, that the guy who made it was trying to make heart medication, so you can’t possibly blame German for the stuff he gave you not working correctly.

These things that German tells you make perfect sense because you are a fool and love to be taken for a ride on the greatest new Six Flags attraction, the Hornswaggle: the world’s largest completely-bullshit rollercoaster. You nod and apologize to German for your rude and inaccurate accusations.

German pooh-poohs your apology, telling you that your frustration is only natural given your terrifying impotence in the boudoir. He slides a small, black package across the counter to you under the bullet-proof glass of the cashier’s booth.

“On the house,” he says with a wolfish grin.

You examine the package. Adorned with a cartoonish illustration of a mushroom cloud from which spew the undergarments of (presumably) satisfied women, the package reveals its identity to you as XXXPLOSION. The idea of your penis figuratively exploding appeals to your base instincts; your higher-functioning instincts have been on indefinite hiatus and have no comment on the matter.

You exit the gas station with a smile on your face, forgetting why you were even so angry in the first place. Tonight will be a good night, your stupid brain tells you. XXXPLOSION will make sure of that.