Wednesday – Pandemonium set in at the corner of Scenic Highway and Fairchild Street today as the corner signpost was knocked to the ground in a minor vehicle crash, leaving almost half a dozen complete fucking morons totally perplexed as to which street they were currently on.
“It’s like, how am I supposed to know where I am? I was almost sure I’d been driving down Scenic for like eight miles, but now I’m just not sure,” said Scott Theriot, retail clerk by trade and pure dipshit by choice, while expressing his confusion.
Patricia Smith, part-time housekeeper and full-time dumb-as-fuck asshat, offered a perspective that was stupid in a completely different way. “So maybe the streets were never there at all? And our cars are the only things that are real? Maybe it was my destiny to not know my destination.” Fascinating, Patricia, mixing narcotics and alcohol is never a good idea.
Tom Bradfield, anti-government activist and unstoppable slobbering fool, minced no words about who he thought was responsible. “Are there no rules now? Of course there are, because the city has to make its goddam money off its goddam checkpoints. ‘Roll your window down, sir, the city can’t keep a street sign up for five minutes but we’re sure as shit gonna put you in jail and fine you for masturbating in traffic while staring down women.’ That old lady wanted it, you jackbooted thugs!”
A fourth man at the scene refused to be interviewed, and simply ran back and forth in the roadway repeatedly tripping over the same small rock, muttering under his breath what this reporter made out to be “I’m going to die of thirst. It’s finally the end for ol’ Jim.” [Editors note: there is a convenience store approximately 100 feet from this location]
At press time, those interviewed were still not anywhere near the dumbest sons of bitches on the planet, and this reporter began to seriously consider suicide.