“Oh. My. God. Becky, look at the bear’s butt,” instructs Amy, one of the two vapid young women whom you’ve received the dubious pleasure of being treed by a grizzly bear with.
“I know, right? It’s so fat!” says Becky. “Watch this!” she tells Amy, cupping her hands around her mouth. “Hey bear! You’re supposed to be hibernating for winter, not the whole decade, fatass!”
“Ell. Oh. Ell. Becky, you’re such a bitch.”
The valley girl twins erupt with shrill laughter, a harpyish cacophony that, for a moment, makes you consider pushing the pair down to meet the bear that tore through your tent last night and now patrols the base of the tree you and the two women managed to climb before being ripped to shreds.
“Hey, creepy loner hiker guy,” Becky says, presumably talking to you. “Do you have any, like, water?”
You look down at your body, naked save for a pair of boxer shorts adorned with drawings of dogs wearing conical red hats like David the Gnome. Redirecting your eyes back to Becky, you mime pulling your pockets out, shrug, and shake your head.
“Ugh,” scoffs Becky. “You’re so lame.”
“Totally,” Amy agrees.
Becky leans over to whisper something in Amy’s ear, keeping her eyes fixed on you the entire time. Amy nods several times in acknowledgement while Becky is speaking.
“Oh my god, he is!” exclaims Amy after Becky is finished. The two girls once again explode in ear-splitting laughter.
“What?” you ask.
“Ugh,” Becky grunts. “We weren’t talking about you, weirdo.”
“Yeah, get over yourself, loser,” Amy adds.
You’re pretty sure the forensic evidence of you pushing the women out of the tree would be minimal at best. Your only concern is them surviving the bear.
“Do you have any food?” asks Amy.
It’s a risk your willing to take.