773 Remoulade Avenue
Iota, Louisiana 70543
February 26, 2016
Quality Assurance Manager
Hombre Macho Foods Co.
4 Corporate Estate Drive
Los Angeles, California 90026
Dear Sir or Madam:
This letter, per your request, id est “We want to hear from you!” on the bottom my burrito packaging, is a review of your recently released microwaveable product, the Hombre Macho Nom-nombre Nacho Burrito.
I would first like to say that, while I greatly appreciate your attempts to connect with a younger audience, the use of a cat on the packaging of a burrito is as nonsensical as it is memetically stale. Cats are out, sir or madam, and they are not to return.
Also on the subject of your feline mascot, I feel it necessary to say that I find the idea of a cat wearing a sombrero and a serape offensive. I am quite aware that your food is Mexican in style, I do not need to be reminded of it by racist stereo types, however completely true they may be (I once saw a picture on the internet of a Mexican cat back when cats were cool and can confirm that your depiction of them is flawlessly correct).
The packaging was properly sealed and easy enough to open with the fingernail of my left pinky, which I have grown out specifically for opening packages. A small note: having the central seam flap fold right-to-left when held with the cat facing up is difficult for left-handed people to manage. Consider moving the cat, or perhaps putting a cat on each end so that there is always a cat facing up, or maybe think about taking this played-out mascot off the packaging entirely.
The burrito itself was acceptable, although suspiciously devoid of cat meat. Placing a cat on the package of the burrito leads one to believe that there will indeed be cat in the burrito, and while this did not necessarily lead to disappointment, it did cause a great deal of confusion. [Was this perhaps a burrito for cats? Please clarify on your next burrito package.]
I have found the best way to cook the burrito, contrary to your instructions, is to place it upright on a metal spindle and microwave for two minutes, thirty-seven seconds. Your recommended time of two minutes, forty-five seconds is the worst kind of excessive coddling I’ve ever seen in instruction. The burrito is pre-cooked, we’re not trying to kill flukeworms here. While the spindle did create the desired effect of heating the inside of the burrito, my microwave took exception to your cat packaging and shorted out while I was attempting to microwave a second burrito. In the future, I would appreciate if you could develop a spindle-safe burrito so that I do not have to replace my microwave again.