59 - War Games


It is 2006, and you are excited because the Wii™ is real.

You grip the Wii™ Remote in your hand and stare in amazement at the poorly rendered avatar on the screen that you built to represent you. You do not fasten the safety strap because you are a rebel and you WiiSports™ hard, like super hard.

You take a few practice swings before your first round of Wii™ Bowling, then line up your shot. You are basically the best bowler between you and your two sisters, so you know you’re going to nail this. You pull your hand back in preparation for the shot of a lifetime, then throw it forward with about as much force a 13-year-old can be expected to muster.

Regardless of how much your furious and frequent masturbation has strengthened your grip, you fail to hold on to the Wii™ Remote and it jets forward, narrowly missing the television and flying out the window.

The Wii™ Remote sails across the yard and strikes a dog that a man is walking nearby. The dog, a rescue from a fighting ring, becomes confused and enraged and attacks its master.

The master, hurt and afraid, blindly stumbles into the street. An oncoming car driven by a Greek man named Andrew Stephanopoulos swerves to avoid him, loses control, and crashes into the school across the street from your house. He strikes his head on the steering wheel as he impacts but remains conscious. Realizing his temple is bleeding profusely, he removes his white oxford button-down shirt and wraps it around his head to stop the bleeding.

A xenophobic teacher named Curtis Andover who does not understand the difference between Muslims and Sikhs looks out the window and sees Mr. Stephanopoulos, who sitting in his car rocking back and forth to comfort himself from the shock and pain, with olive skin and a white garment wrapped on his head.

It is only 2006 and the horrible events of September 11, 2001 are still fresh in the mind of Andover, who immediately believes that his school, the Sally Jesse Rafael School for the Performing Arts, has come under attack by car bomb from radical Muslim extremists.

Andover calls the police and tells them that Al-Qaeda has attacked the school and is now outside praying until the car bomb goes off. The principal orders an evacuation of the school.

The SWAT team arrives. Mr. Stephanopoulos, believing help has arrived, quickly exits his vehicle and excitedly runs towards the emergency vehicles, shouting incomprehensibly due to his head injury. Believing Mr. Stephanopoulos is a suicide bomber, the police shoot him dead.

Mr. Stephanopoulos’ 11-year-old son, sick at home with the flu, watches these events unfold on television. He recognizes his father as he is shot to death.

Later, the junior Stephanopoulos vows vengeance on what he believes is a tyrannical government hell-bent on terrorizing and subjugating its citizens. He begins a radical underground movement to destabilize the government by interrupting food supply chains to the east coast.

Millions die in what will later be known as the Corn War and the United States falls into a severe socio-economic depression which lasts well into the 23rd century.

You sell your Wii™ and buy a Playstation™.