93 - Eureka!


It’s taken many years of study and hundreds of cases of trial and error, but you’ve finally devised what you’re sure is the most ingenious scheme to get around public drinking laws the world has ever seen.

“Eureka! Larry, I’ve done it!” you say to Larry, your valet and corner store drinking buddy. “They told me I was mad, but I’ve cracked the problem!”

“The fuck?” Larry mumbles. As he speaks, a droplet of spittle catchesin his matted beard just below his lips.

“I’m glad you asked, Larry! You see, you know those little paper bags the cashier gives you when you buy a pounder of malt liquor?”

“Buy?” Larry asked, thoroughly confused by this foreign verb you’ve introduced.

“Quite, well, instead of immediately throwing the bag away on the floor in front of the cashier, I’ve puzzled out that you can leave it on the can!”

Larry mutters something incomprehensible and falls asleep briefly. He is quickly awoken by his head hitting the sidewalk. Springing to his feet, Larry ineptly swings at the handicap parking sign in front of him, which he believes to be a person that attacked him. Larry misses and strikes his nose against the sign. He signals to the parking sign that it has won this round, then sits down to plot his revenge.

“Good show, Larry! You gave him what for!”

Larry vomits victoriously and returns his gaze to you, obviously eager to learn more of your scientific findings.

“You’re always so hungry for knowledge, Larry, it’s truly admirable! You see, my boy if you cover the can with the paper bag, you can drink your malty and the local constabulary will be none the wiser!”

Larry belches loudly.

“Well, I think genius is a strong word, Larry, but I believe our quality of life is soon to improve significantly. Come, Larry, I must alert the academy of my breakthrough!”

Larry passes out once again, this time resting his chin neatly on his chest.

“Ah, yes, Larry. Good idea. We must conserve our energy for our journey! Meanwhile, I’ll write the patent office so that damnable Professor Laurence doesn’t steal my research again! I couldn’t ask for a more dependable valet, Larry.”

You take a sip from your camouflaged can. Today is a great victory for science.