339 - Office Gift


Your coworker Keisha, infectiously sweet and terminally thoughtful, has made bags of sweet to hand out to everyone in the office the day before the Christmas breaks.

"Aww, thank you, Keisha!" you croon, graciously accepting from her the small plastic bag filled with peanut brittle and wedding cookies. "You made these for everybody?"

"I sure did!" Keisha declares, throwing a beaming smile your way. She turns her head in the direction of the cubicle next to yours -Candice's - and her smile fades into a scowl. "Well, everyone that hasn't been naughty."

You know exactly how Keisha feels. Your chair-swapping battles with Candice may be over, but the struggle is still real for many people in the office, Keisha included.

Keisha wishes you a merry Christmas as she moves toward Candice's cubicle. You open your goodie bag and munch quietly on peanut brittle as you sneak your eyes just above the cubicle wall to watch the shit show.

"Got something for you, Candice!" Keisha says as she walks into the cubicle unannounced. Keisha hands Candice what looks like an empty plastic bag tied off tightly with a green ribbon.

Candice eyes her present suspiciously. "There's nothing in this," she says dryly to Keisha.

"There sure is!" Keisha argues. "Just open it and you'll see!"

Candice works at the ribbon with her fingernails for a few moments to little effect. Quickly growing impatient, she resorts to using her teeth to tear the bag open and, as the plastic gives way to her gnashing maw, a sudden expression of surprise coupled with disgust washes over Candice's face.

"What the fuck?" shouts Candice. "What is that smell? What's in the bag?"

"That bag's filled with my farts, Candice," Keisha explains with an exaggerated faux sweetness. "That's my present to you this year."

"What the hell, Keisha?"

"Fuck with my chair again, Candice. This was a warning."

Candice, rendered completely speechless, simply stares with a gaping mouth at Keisha.

"Merry Christmas," says Keisha as she walks away. "Jesus loves you, but I know better."