Hey, you. Yes, you. The disgusting slob with particles of shit still on his hand from where he wiped his ass and his finger slipped off the paper a bit. Splashing a bit of water ain’t gonna do it for that, chief.
Take your nasty dick-skinners and turn on that faucet as hot as you can stand – lukewarm won’t do shit against the microscopic ecosystem flourishing on your unsanitary claws.
Shove your baby-shakers under that steaming hot stream and get ‘em wet. Real wet. Yeah, you know daddy likes it wet. Soap likes it wet, too, you smelly freak, so smack that dispenser like it asked you too and lather those paws up.
Now here’s the important part – you gotta wring those hands together like you just found out the evil plan you’ve been concocting for twenty years is about to come to fruition. Ain’t gonna be no transition to the unlikely hero here, though. No, you gotta wash that soap off and dry. You know how to dry your hands, don’t ya? Not with your tongue you think fuck. Grab that paper towel and save it, turn that water off, and chunk that shit. Don’t put it in your pocket for later, and don’t give me that “I’ve got pica” crap either.
There, you managed not to give pink eye to your kindergarten class. Congratulations.