58 - Felinity


You are a cat, and you do not give a fuck.

You jump on top of a table in your house and observe a human typing on a keyboard. Utterly devoid of fucks, you lay down directly on her hands.

You climb into the litterbox to void your bowels. After you are finished, you use your hind legs to spread litter all over the carpet. One or two pieces of feces fall onto the floor as well. This is the closest you will come to giving a shit your entire life.

You scratch up the couch. The human shouts at you to stop. Careful to let her believe, at times, that she is in control, you run away feigning fright. In reality, you put all your money into fuck stocks and last year the market crashed, making your fuck stocks worthless – they are worth zero fucks, and you cannot give them away. You return in two minutes and return tearing up the couch.

Your human tosses you outside. Devoid of all feeling and emotion, you sit on the front steps of the house and lick your testicles purely out of habit.

A small dog runs up to you and begins yapping. You stare at it until it becomes scared and runs off. When the canine gathers its courage and returns a short time later. You think back to the teachings of your Master Bei Yuan, who told you to harness your anger. You remember how you did not give a fuck then and how you still do not give a fuck now, and you scratch the dog in the face.

You kill a mouse and bring it to the doorstep. The human opens the door, and is obviously pleased with your offering because she shouts and brings you inside immediately.

Once inside, you jump out of the human’s hands. She sits on the couch and attempts to coax you toward her by speaking in a high pitched voice and repeatedly patting on the couch. Neither of those things are food, so you ignore her. You move your ears each time she calls your name so that she knows you are actively ignoring her.

After you cannot stand her shrieking anymore, you hop up onto the coffee table, allow her to pet your back once, bite her hand, fart, and run away.

You find a place in the sun to lay down and sleep for nineteen hours.

You are a cat, and giving a fuck is for dogs.